A Meeting with the Publisher of H. Mildew Books as told to Jason Amos

Posted on June 08, 2006 by Jason Amos

"Yes, yes, do come in already. I have very little time for pleasantries, so if you if you could please find a seat. Yes, I much prefer my stenographers to practice the Gregg System over that redundant old Pitman method, but we shant get caught up in this rigmarole presently. Please, just take the following dictation, with punctuation, for the H. Mildew Books quarterly stockholders' newsletter.
I, Ms. Mildew, acting Publisher-In-Chief of H. Mildew Books, would like to announce a record number of titles released this year under our imprint, more titles, in fact, than any other publishing house in New York City. Furthermore, no other publishing house on either side of the East River delivers more titles by first time authors than H. Mildew Books.

What? I pray you will refrain from interrupting me in the future young man. No, such allegations are outright untruths. We do not use child labor working in sweatshop conditions to generate our myriad of titles. There is an air conditioner in the writing library, so you can see that story is purely fabrication. I don’t know where you could have been privy to such nasty rumors.
My son! We'll young man, let me tell you what. If I was you, and I thank the stars that I am not, I would keep much better company than H. Mildew Jr. The only interest my son has in this company is spending the interest from his trust. Now, can we get on? Thank you.
H. Mildew Books will make good on that promise by continuing our young writers workshop, a program that generates some ten to sixty books a month by promising new talent...
What, what, what?! You're interjections are becoming unceasingly tiring young man. More rumor and wild speculation? I'm beginning to wonder if you don't work for the Post. Once again, so that we might finally put this to an end right now, I am not the least bit unkind with my writers. Nevertheless, writers are creative people and prone to tangents and directionless chin-wagging, much like yourself. I am a businesswoman. My business is getting books out on the street. Sometimes my writers need some gentle prodding. I will have you know, some of my writers even thank me for it once they realized the quality of work it generates.
Just because I am vocal about the level of professionalism I expect, some of my less successful counterparts have labeled me a 'dragon lady'. There, does that satisfy your seemingly boundless curiosity? Good, because it is nearing lunch and I will bear no more of this lollygagging.
H. Mildew Books cultivates some of the finest, most talented young authors of our times. Their work has introduced our loyal readers to worlds beyond the scope of the mundane. From Robot Monkeys, Friendly Squids, Wrestling Turtles, and Swordfish that practice medicine, one thing we do not publish are mundane retreads of tired old formulas. What?! No! No more questions! I can't take these incessant interruptions. Young man, you are fired! Fired, fired, fired, fired, fired! Make haste when you leave my office, you wisenheimer!
Tell Rupert to send in my lunch when you go. And another stenographer."