Behind the Scenes: Children of the Iron Monkey
Posted on August 10, 2008 by Gabriella Miyares & Chris Roberti
Deep in the dark sycamore forests of Figeria, the land that once belonged to the infamous Shadow Tiger, the palace is in ruins -- broken numchucks litter the dirty floor, and all of the ice cream in the freezer is frosted over. No one has tread these paths for years. On a lacquered table in one corner sits a battered journal. Its pages are torn and tattered, covered with drips of sweat, inkblots, and what would appear to be traces of caramel nougat. The entries, in a frantically scrawled hand, end on the fateful day of the Shadow Tiger's defeat by Iron Monkey and his child followers. What follows? The final thoughts of a henchman on the wrong side of kung-fu justice, that's what...
August 1.
Sunny day today. I had a dream in which I was flying above Figeria in a hot-air balloon, and jellyfish were floating in the air all around me. Could this be a manifestation of longing for escape? Must consult the old wise woman of the village next week.
The young pupils of the dastardly Iron Monkey have arrived in our midst, eager to have a new master, and I am convinced it is a bad omen. While I was brushing my teeth this morning, the floss fell into the sink into the shape of a skull. I took it to show Shadow Tiger, and he laughed at me for fifteen minutes straight. I had to leave before he ceased, to do my morning stretches. Gosh, Shadow Tiger can be so mean sometimes. I know he’s supposed to be the evil master and all, but I have feelings too!
Later today
We mixed truth serum into the cranberry juice cocktail we gave the children. What sort of children drink that stuff? Iron Monkey's children, apparently. The truth serum seems to be working well. We should actually call it Mind Control Juice. That would be an example of name-follows-function. But does anyone listen to me? No!!!!!
I made grilled cheese for all of the other henchmen for lunch. Everyone seemed to like it, except Todd. He said that I was too liberal with the paprika. How dare he! He is just impossible to please. I just had to leave the room when he said that, even though I had to leave anyway to set traps for Iron Monkey and the one student he has left. All of the brainwashed students follow me around like a bunch of zombies, but when I tell them to stop being creepy they all smile. Which makes things worse.
We set pretty standard traps--the trip-line, bamboo stakes, the net, and the throwing stars that shoot out of trees. I started to feel bad about setting traps for a little kid, but then the brainwashed ones really started to get on my nerves. It was like they'd never set bamboo stakes on pressure-sensitive springs before, let alone hidden a motion sensor behind tree bark. Amateurs. Plus I had to tell them exactly what to do, every second of the day. Ugh. I have better things to do with my time, like make pancakes. And eat them.
When we got back, Shadow Tiger told me I had to watch the traps when Iron Monkey's pupil returned. I don’t understand why I have to wait for the traps when I could just fight this pupil myself. Shadow Tiger said it was more fun that way. Whatever.
TRAP RESULTS LOG
Objective: to successfully trap pupil (juvenile) of Iron Monkey, archenemy. Keep detailed record of net effectiveness. Avoid being caught by test subject.
14:00 Test subject is a small girl in a red kimono. Vaguely innocuous. She approaches the path from the north, making the first trap in her path the Self-Lifting Net.
14:01 NET RESULTS: The net has failed. Subject executed an impressive front-flip before net could catch her. I told Eugene we should have set it up to deploy more quickly!
14:02 Subject is running north-northwest towards the trip line/bamboo stake combination.
14:02 STAKE RESULTS: Subject has reflexes akin to the native wildcats of Songolia. The stakes missed her by inches. I tried to tell those kids to make them longer and sharper. Amateurs.
14:03 Subject in the midst of the throwing-star-loaded trees. They should shoot out at any moment…
14:03 STAR RESULTS: The stars from Tree 7 and Tree 6 both missed subject and lodged in trunk of Tree 20. Subject caught star from Tree 5 in one hand and the Tree 4 star in...her teeth. Subject appears to not even be sweating.
14:04 Have decided not to fight subject one on one. Clearly too dangerous.
Summary: All three traps failed thanks to subpar construction and/or the dexterity of test subject. It is suggested that trap designers listen to me next time.
Later Later Today
Must write quickly. Truth Serum (actually Mind Control Juice) has worn off and the pupils are on the loose. I think I’ll just stay in this cabinet for a little while longer.
Later Still
I fear this is the end. The good master has triumphed over the evil one, which is unfortunate for me. I'm taking my emergency bag, the one packed with six months worth of Figeria Fashion Forward magazine and the good granola bars with cashews in them, and I'm leaving Figeria forever. I never really liked that Shadow Tiger anyway. I mean, he should have known things were going wrong when I showed him that floss skull.
And the moral of this story? First, floss daily. It prevents gum disease. And don't leave your journal out in the open when abandoning an ill-fated palace, because then someone will read it. And post it all over the internet.