The Revolution of the Green-Haired Bacon

Written for a Storytelling & Bookmaking field trip with Ms. Clements's 3rd-grade class from Berkeley Carroll

3/5/08

Once upon a time there was a bacon factory. And next to this bacon factory there happened to be a nuclear waste facility. One day, an unfortunate strip of extremely crispy bacon fell into an open vat of nuclear waste and when he crawled out, he had thick head of green hair. He thought to himself and decided to call himself Porkenstein von Butch.

Upon escaping the waste facility, he stole butter from a nearby butter factory and built an igloo under a pancake palm tree on the beach. Everyday he lays out in the sun to crisp himself up. Every Tuesday, he heads to the meat case at the local grocery store to visit his family. And every Tuesday, he feels a little more sad at seeing his family imprisoned by the plastic wrap on their styrofoam trays. Porkenstein decides that in order to free them, he will become a lawyer.

Unfortunately for Porkenstein von Butch, all of the law schools he applied to don't accept Bacon as students, only food. He became even more determined to find a way to free his family from the injustice of the supermarket, and now wanted revenge on the law schools.

"Vengeance or death," became his battle cry. "Hopefully vengeance."

Porkenstein marched into the supermarket and stole all of the bacon, loaded them into a grocery cart, and headed for the nuclear waste facility to create an army. Little did he know, he had been caught on camera committing the crime and the police were on their way.

Following the nuclear warning signs, Porkenstein pushed the cart through the massive doors of the waste facility. Ahead of him was the vat of glowing green nuclear waste that gave him life. Using the crisp edge of his green-haired head, he sliced open the plastic and used his more flexible end to maneuver the individual bacon slices into the nuclear goo.

In the distance, Porkenstein heard sirens. He urgently scooped the bacon out of the vat and lined them up.

"Alright, folks," Porkenstein von Butch addressed his new army. "We've got to head to my private beach to crisp ourselves up. The police can't get us there. And after that, I'll tell you the plan. Gather up some
spent nuclear rods so we can use them to defend ourselves."

They marched toward the beach, over a river, and up a big hill. At the top of the hill, they stopped in their tracks. The police had surrounded Porkenstein's private beach. Porkenstein turned to his army and
spoke with the tone of a nervous general.

"We've got to work fast. There's a yoga store at the bottom of this hill. Run to the store and get as many yoga balls as you can carry. We'll return to the waste facility to fill the balls up with nuclear waste and attack the police so that we can finally be free. Does everyone understand?"

The army sent up a cheer.

"Okay. Let's rock and roll."

And then...